My Journey to embracing parenthood.

My fingers are covered in blue food dye and my shirt has lemon pie filling smeared on the front of it.  This day has been a long time coming and i'm finally happy and accepting of it.  I made a phone call about an hour ago to my boss....well...er...my ex boss, now.  She didn't answer.  I left her the message that I have been rehearsing in my head for about a year now.  "Hi LaNell, this is Lindsey, I just wanted to tell you that i'm not coming back to substitute teach next school year...I have decided to stay at home and be a mom."  Blah Blah Blah.  This person that left a message on my boss's voice mail did not exist a year ago.  The woman I knew a year ago would have gotten off work at 2, hauled ass home in her KIA and collapsed in the doorway after a long day of teaching teenagers at the Juvenile detention center.  Then she would give her husband a quick kiss while he headed off to work, tried to straighten up the house and guess what time Luke (her infant) would have had his last nap, did he need a bottle and when could she finally sit on the couch and have some "me time".   After a struggle getting her son to sleep because she was not aware of how his morning went, she would veg out for about an hour and then be snapped back to reality by crying and a dirty diaper.  By this time she would try to figure out what was for dinner and see what was around in the kitchen and prepare for world war 3 at dinnertime with a baby, who like to throw food.  After dinner was bath-time, followed by a hurried story time and then....when the little ball of energy that was Luke fell asleep, she would settle in for some homework from her online classes.  Around midnight, this crazy, tired, restless and unrested woman would go to sleep, only to wake up at  6am again (and a few times for bottles in between) to face another day of......exhaustion.  This woman I knew a year ago was not a happy one.  I was a mess, and quite frankly, very selfish, as well.  What I though then about "being an individual" was based on not letting the stereotype of "mom" hold me down from what I thought I should want as a 29 year old mother.  I wanted a career.  I wanted to go work out and get coffee with my old friends after that. I wanted to do it all and have it all and not regret anything.  The sad reality is that I had nothing.  No sleep, no sense of self, no sense of real, genuine happiness at the end of the day.  I had a house that was being bombarded by "kids stuff" and friends without kids who didn't understand me.  I was miserable.  I eventually (after fighting it for about 7-8 months) went to see a counselor and was diagnosed with Postpartum Depression.  My husband was as supportive as he could be but he mentioned several times that I should consider staying home with our son full time to which I thought "Why?  I'm not a "mom" type.  I should still be able to work and have the freedom to be an individual."  Little did I know that what I thought was freedom was actually oppressing me more.  I finished out the school year substitute teaching, with the full intention of going back in the fall and then I noticed something in the first 1.5 months I wasn't at work....I was actually happy.  Being at home with my son wasn't horrible, it was actually starting to be somewhat (gasp!) liberating.  I started enjoying drinking my morning coffee and watching him play.  I actually looked forward to going to the grocery store with him and trying to tackle that pinterest recipe I never had time for while I was working.  I am artistic, also, I found out, and I have time to do projects and really put energy into getting creative.  Who knew?!  Being a mom isn't so bad after all, it's actually awakened a sense of new inspiration in me that didn't exist before.  I met a few other "mom friends" that I work out with....we bring our kids, and you know what?  it's fun!  We walk, go to the zoo, check out random community stuff and enjoy coffee and our kids, together.  I am not saying that my friends without kids are unimportant either but lets be real: They don't understand.  For the next 18 years, I need to have friends that have something in common with me, and that's not partying on the weekend, its being a good parent.  I still see my friends without kids, its just forced me to appreciate the time away from kids more and become creative at having my son around and people over.  One example is the projector my husband got for his birthday.  We show movies projected on our back wall in our yard.  Our friends come over and bring their favorite micro brew and some snacks and after my son goes to bed, we have a makeshift movie night under the stars.  What's better than that?  No a whole lot.  I only have my son to thank for this transition from selfish She-Woman to Mature mother and artist.  So I present this blog to you, to hopefully inspire something good out of your parenting journey.  Today I quit my job, and i'm not looking back.  Cheers!  The adventure has just begun.......